Again….

Ooops I did it again.

I really hate it when I have to admit I failed again. And this time it was a big fail. Can I just go into a fit of rage for a second….f***, G** D****, I h*** myself…okay that didn’t have to be starred but since it was said in a fit of rage I felt like it should.

Where to being..oh yea, 3 days ago. So on Thursday night, I smoked. I knew I shouldn’t have I could feel it wasn’t the right thing to do and then I went back to my room and could not for the life of me stop eating. Luna bar after Luna bar…and oatmeal and peanut butter. Ok that would have been fine I was high, it was the munchies. But then the next day I knew that I was going to have a binge and I decided to binge. It was awful I ate everything under the sun, an almond croissant, I had a power bar, two pop-tart packages, 10 and yes I had 10 cookies, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the rest of the luna bars in my room and half a jar of almond butter, a lamb burger and fries, and then…done. Wehhh.

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt like shit. I didn’t go to any of my classes and just stayed in my room the whole entire day. I admitted that I needed to eat something so I had some yogurt and blueberries and almond butter. I ate the rest of the almond butter jar and then proceeded to eat the rest of the almond butter in my fridge which was A LOT. I am more than disappointed in myself, not really just for the eating but because I ended up not leaving my room once yesterday, skipping classes, and then not going to my friends party and isolating myself. I am so mad I can’t even handle it. I feel sad, obviously because I did all of these things, and because I feel like all of the progress that I was making just went down the tubes.

But I have to look at it positively no? But how? I guess it makes me realize exactly how not to act. And although I hate the thought of how much weight I have gained in the past couple of days i have to look at it this way. I love myself and because I love myself I am going to work out and eat healthfully what happens from there I cannot control and I will not control because if I try to I know that I will only end up in this unhappy spiral again. I also need to pay more attention to the work that I have at hand, that is why I am here. I just want to be happy. So badly.

A NEW DAY

It is sunny outside. I am happy. I have showered, I am warm, I am going to do my homework and everything is going to be okay.

This morning I got out of bed and did 50 minutes on the elliptical, which felt great and then some arm stuff. Later today I will probably go on a walk.

After working out I came back, as in five minutes ago and had a yogurt and some oatmeal. I am planning on working all day as I have a lot to accomplish and treating myself to a movie night with my two good friends Louise and Michelle. Nothing to complain about here, other than a little tommy ache.

Love is in the air

Setbacks

One must remember that in the journey of recovery there is bound to be a setback or two. The fact that I haven’t written in a while is actually a good thing, I have really been enjoying my time back at Brown, maybe a little too much. I was not focusing entirely on my health and really probably was not eating enough. Nevertheless, yesterday I had a binge.

It started out, how most of them do at the gym when I decided I was too tired to do my workout. I went back and had a yogurt that morning for breakfast and then a Luna bar after class. I realized that I was still hungry and for some reason I panicked. I got a medium sized bag of yogurt covered peanuts and downed the whole thing. Next thing I know I got a large corn muffin and half a bagel. After that came the two slices of bread with peanut butter and jelly then a bag of cookies and a large bag of chex mix and then an almond croissant. Needless to say I probably consumed 3 days worth of food. The difference this time is that I am not going to let it propel me back to where I was before.

Today has been a relatively good day. I woke up and had some yogurt and peanut butter. Then I had shrimp and some salad for lunch, then oatmeal for a snack. Then I had sushi with my dad. Came back and had yogurt and a Luna bar for a snack. Don’t want to skimp too much or then it will happen again. Tomorrow I am going to get up and work out and accomplish a lot of the work I need to.

Wohhh its hot

So the past couple of days I have been moving back into my dorm room here at Uni. It has been a process, it is so hot my clothes are melting.

Aside from that it has been really great to see people and get back into the academic groove and such.

On the food side of things, I worked out yesterday and took today off. I am going to the gym tomorrow with one of my friends. I know that I need to watch out, I really have not been eating enough for my activity level and if I do this for too long all my hard effort will be for not and I will binge again so I need to make sure that I am eating enough and good food.

I am thinking shrimp greek salad for dinner! Yummm

Road Tripping

Two days ago, one of my good friends and I took a mini “road-trip” to pick up some friends that were hiking. Before I met up with her at her house at 10:30 I decided to head to the gym to get a work out in. I went to the gym and went on the treadmill, initially feeling tired so I did a 50 minute walk. My nerves were really building up so I decided to take the last 10 minutes to run.

Afterwards, I had brought with me a form of a “recovery drink” which is mixing coconut water with vanilla soy/whey protein powder. I downed this and texted her. She told me she had gotten bagels for lunch and some cheese-its and redvines for car snacks. Lets just say I was not snacking on that! I told her I would pick up stuff from Whole Foods, so I got some really good and healthy snacks.

Almond butter, cherries, luna bars, and veggies

I had some cherries and almond butter on our way up to pick up the boys along with some veggies. When we had lunch I had some more cherries and a luna bar (light I know). We drove back home, dropped off the boys to shower and then went to my friends house where I took a nice nap. When I awoke my tummy was growling at me so I had some more cherries, two carrot sticks, and half a whole wheat bagel. Its a good thing I had this snack otherwise I would have been starving. We went to the boys house for dinner. When we got there at first I panicked. They were making steak. I never really eat red meat and during the heigh of my disorder I wouldn’t really go near it. However, I made it through and had some. It was even pretty delish.

Today, I went to the gym this morning and came back and had the routine yogurt and oatmeal. I had a nutritionist appointment at 1:00 and then a doctors appointment at 2:30 so I brought a luna bar with me to snack on. When I got home I had some almonds, tuna fish and hummus, peppers and yes…more cherries!

Shopping for Exercise Clothes

One of my favorite things about starting up a new exercise regimen is getting new exercise clothes!

Today, before going to a friend’s house I am going to go shopping for some more running gear.

Earlier today I went to hot yoga. Before I went out I had an apple. Today was so good in the hot yoga portion of my life. I felt extreme amounts of energy and I could realize the help that good eating has done for me. When I came back I had some Siggi’s yogurt and oatmeal. My mom generously signed me up for a skin consultation today which I went to. But before that I fixed myself a nice healthy lunch. An english muffin with turkey, hummus, lettuce, and onions and on the side half a grapefruit and carrots. YUM!

I am off to go shopping and then to a friends house! Wish me luck!

News, News, News

It has been a while since I have posted, I have been a little busy bee lately.

News: I am going back to Uni this fall, which I am increasingly excited and nervous about.

News (2): I have gotten back on track with the eating and exercising. This morning I went with my dad to the gym, beforehand I had a coconut water…Yum! I did 25 minute intervals on the elliptical (3 min)-at 160 pace and (2 min)- at 210 pace. Then I jumped on the treadmill and at 6mph did a nice and easy 25 minute run. It felt really good. I decided to forgo the leg weights since I am planning on doing hot yoga tomorrow morning.

When I got home I fixed myself a bowl of almond butter and yogurt. After I decided I was still hungry so I also had some oatmeal as well.

I am off today to do some necessary shopping for school